Pivoting Dreams: Finding God’s Grace in My PhD Journey

If you are unfamiliar with a PhD timeline and trajectory, I'd like to walk you through some major milestones that are a part of the process for a typical Chemical and Biomolecular Engineering graduate student at Georgia Tech. The first part is acceptance into a program. Next, you have a qualifying examination which is used as a measure to determine whether a student should continue pursuing the PhD degree or exit with a master's degree. Following the qualifying exam is a proposal. The student provides a detailed presentation on the work they hope to accomplish during their time as a student. Their ideas are vetted by a collection of faculty members to determine project feasibility. Once a student becomes a candidate, they make progress on their proposed work and six months before their anticipated graduation date they complete what is known as a pre-defense. This pre-defense allows the same collection of faculty to visualize how much of the proposed work has been completed and to evaluate the plans to finish what is left of it before graduation. Finally, six months after the pre-defense, the student gives their PhD defense where the same collection of faculty determines if the student has completed sufficient work to earn a PhD.  

A quick snippet of my qualifying exam study board.

As mentioned in previous entries my journey is not so linear. As an ACS Bridge scholar, I joined the School of Chemical and Biomolecular Engineering as a master’s student. Therefore, I must complete my master’s degree before attempting to earn my PhD. All the milestones of a PhD student still apply to me but now I have an additional step. From the progress of the Bridge students before me, I was expected to take my qualifying exam in the spring of my second year, May 2023, and defend my master’s thesis in the fall of my third year. I had planned to follow this tried-and-true regimen but again “man plans, and God laughs”. I spent the spring of my second semester studying and prepping for my qualifying exam. In truth, I was terrified and placed a lot of weight on the results of this exam. When the exam came, I went into the examination room uneased and already defeated. I tried my best to remember who I served but, in that moment, I was filled with doubt and uncertainty. I gave a brief introduction and awaited the committee’s questions. “What is Lactobacillus and how does it make lactic acid?” I was not prepared to hear that question and even though I knew the answer, my anxiety took over and my response was met with “Close but not quite.” Those words rang in my ear like the sound of an alarm letting me know I had failed. From that moment on all I could do was hear the alarm ringing and getting louder with every question. I left the room quietly and in shock convinced that I had failed. My advisor came out of the room offering no words of comfort or reassurance further instilling failure and shame.  

Image from Amazon

I was heartbroken by my exam and there was nothing I could do to change the outcome. For days I lamented and did not know what to do. I reached a point in my grief that led to the decision to leave school with a master’s degree and go no further. I spent my time in therapy discussing how horrific my advisor’s actions were and how his lack of reassurance played a part in my decision. It took me a while but my grief became so overwhelming that I stepped away from service at church and just sank into depression. But there was a still moment where I found my saving grace. I could not tell you how I got here or when I got here but I do know that I picked up my bible and began a devotional entitled “Emotionally Healthy Relationships” by Peter Scazerro. From reading this devotion daily I began to re-learn where my strength comes from. I realized that throughout this process I had been solely dependent on my strength and knowledge. At no point did I invite the Holy Spirit to guide me as I studied or to guide me as I spoke. I placed so much weight on the outcome of the exam and not enough weight on the gratitude for the results. In other words, I did not give thanks in all situations. My focus was not on God but as I got closer to Him in my lowest moment, I saw what it meant to invite Him into every aspect of my life. My failure was a stepping stone to re-acclimate myself with God and who He is. In the moment I was heartbroken but as I reflected on what that loss gave me, I am eternally grateful; I know that it was a necessary setback for God to get all the glory!  

Edited by Meik Lee